Mary Killen | The Spectator columnists & writers

Dear Mary: Do I have to stay and socialise when I drop my children off at parties?

Q. I would like to matchmake two singleton neighbours. They have absolutely everything in common, except their social class and their politics, but they are in the same line of work and both enjoy the same fairly unusual hobby. I know they would adore each other. In order to introduce them – do you advise I have a lunch for a small or large number of people? And should I sit them next to or opposite one another? — N.D., Frampton on Severn, Gloucestershire A. When potential matchmakees hail from contrasting milieus, their first meeting should not take place in a ‘battlefield’ scenario. Instead, issue a casual invitation to both to join you on a longish walk. Give them only a sketchy account of what they have in common and no hint that you are matchmaking.

Dear Mary: How do I get my friend to make time to see me alone?

Q. As a radio producer one of the most infuriating – and surprisingly common – things people ask is: ‘When will you be a presenter?’ Can you help with a withering response that lets them know I don’t feel like a failure, but have willingly chosen a completely different job? — M.G., London SE1 A. You might reply: ‘Oh God no, I’d hate to do that but … [assume a sympathetic facial expression] why do you ask? Would you like to be a presenter? Q. My best friend lives in Australia, and visits annually to see friends and family. Every time we meet she has invited along so many other people she wants to catch up with that we never manage to engage in any kind of decent conversation. Then she always calls me from the airport bemoaning the fact that ‘we haven’t seen each other properly’.

Dear Mary: Should I give weekend guests paper napkins or napkin rings?

Q. I have a hatred of paper napkins – eating outside, they blow away; inside, people drop them on the floor and my dogs chew them, making a horrid mess. I love the old-fashioned way of giving weekend guests napkin rings but our friends tend to drink too much and can’t remember which is theirs! We have a lot of people staying for Christmas – what is the answer? – A.E., Pewsey A. Many companies now will embroider names on to pretty napkins which you can give your guests on Christmas Eve and not only can they keep them for the whole festival holiday but they can take them home with them, hence saving you washing them. Designer Izzy Granger, among others responding to the eco-imperative, has some exquisite examples in soft European linen.

Dear Mary: How do I curb my brother’s unsavoury language?

Q. My brother, who lives in southern France, uses unsavoury words to gain my attention, such as ‘infernal swine’, ‘schweinhund’ and ‘w****r’. Being somewhat genteel myself, I am reluctant to engage in verbal fisticuffs across the ocean. His literary aspirations, I believe, may have topped off with the Biggles compendium. What strategy, Mary, would you suggest I follow to maintain some fraternal friendship yet decrease the negative tone? — Name withheld, Toronto A. Tell him you have got new software on the computer which has an annoying habit of obliterating words it does not like. This makes his emails sometimes difficult to read. For example, he said that ‘x is a complete [something]’ but there was just a blank there, what did he mean to say? You guessed he might have meant ‘gentleman’? Q.

Dear Mary: how can I snoop on my neighbour’s house?

Q. I am at the stage of my life where I am often sending presents to newborn babies. These presents are almost never acknowledged: the parents believe they will get round to posting me a handwritten letter, complete with a picture of the child in the outfit or under the mobile or reading the book they have received. As a result they don’t even send a WhatsApp. As deliveries go wrong so often, I eventually have to check that the parcel has arrived safely and am met with grovelling apologies. Mary, please can you help make this process less annoying? – Name and address withheld A. Buy a £10 pay-as-you-go burner phone (or burner phone app) as favoured by criminals. Use it to send text messages along these lines: ‘Dear X, this is Bouncing Babies Outfitters.

Dear Mary: is it OK for guests to steal pears at Glyndebourne?

Q. We have been invited to a small but formal dinner in the presence of someone who has been a lifelong hero to my husband. Tragically, my husband has developed anxieties about bladder control in high-level social situations where there may be difficulty accessing a loo. Hence he wants me to refuse this prized invitation. – Name and address withheld A. Nurse Kate steps in to address this problem. ‘It sounds as though rather than incontinence itself, your husband has an urge/frequency problem, which could be tackled with bladder training and possibly some quite effective medication. For the purposes of his night out, I would recommend a product readily available in chemists called Tena Men Premium Fit Level 4 Pants.

Dear Mary: How do I confront my husband without telling him I hacked his emails?

Q. The Queen had the knack of making you feel that you were the only person in the room. At parties I find a few friends are listening to other people’s conversations as they listen to you, and give themselves away by interjecting a sudden response to the other conversation. Mary, what could I say that is more tactful than: ‘Am I boring you?!’ – A.S., Petersfield A. As an equalising strategy quip: ‘I must admit I was tempted to chip in to that conversation myself. I suppose we must have been boring each other!’ Q. I plan to travel from Gloucestershire to pay my respects to Queen Elizabeth, and I’m happy to stand in the queue for however long it takes. My husband is only free from work a little later, but is it OK for him to join me in the queue? Or will his cutting in attract hostility? – Name and address withheld A.

Dear Mary: Can I save someone a spot in the queue to pay respects to the Queen?

Q. I plan to travel up from Gloucestershire to pay my respects to Queen Elizabeth, and I’m happy to stand in the queue for however long it takes. My husband is only free from work a little later, but is it OK for him to join me in the queue? Or will his cutting in attract hostility? – Name and address withheld A. It will be fine as long as you warn the immediate cluster around you to expect your husband at a later stage. Bear in mind that the prevailing atmosphere in this historic queue will be civilised, in keeping with the spirit of our former Queen, and that scuffling is unlikely to break out. This is an extract from Dear Mary. The full article is available in this week's issue of The Spectator, out tomorrow.

Dear Mary: How do I get my friends to leave after a dinner party?

Q. We have made available our mews cottage – 30 yards from our main house – to a woman with small children, who has had a tough time recently through no fault of her own. She will be staying pending her divorce. Our problem is that she keeps asking us to dinner. We like her and she is a good cook and we understand that she is trying to give something back since we are not charging rent. However, our lives are just too busy to see even our very best friends more than once a month. We can’t use any of the normal excuses, e.g. that we are away or have people ourselves, because she can see us from her window. What do you suggest, Mary? – Name withheld, London W2 A. Decide to write a book. Why not actually write one? Explain that for this reason your evenings are now sacrosanct and you are only accepting invitations that you simply cannot get out of.

Dear Mary: Was I wrong to tell my friend’s boyfriend he was snoring?

Q. I have had an email inviting me to an old girls’ reunion, class of 1976. The organiser suggested we ‘reply all’ so that everyone could see who else was able to attend. Now I have had no fewer than four super-excited emails from other old girls saying they can’t wait till the reunion, so can we meet up separately before that? I can hardly fit in seeing my family and close friends, let alone people I haven’t seen for 45 years, but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. – Name and address withheld A. Email each of the four women saying you too can’t wait to see them ASAP. However, a friend who has also organised an old girls’ reunion says it would be very bad form. She says planning an OGR is just like planning a theatrical production and the whole drama of the group surprise would be undermined if any of the participants had ‘sneak previews’ of each other before the day.

Dear Mary: How can I find out whether old friends fancy each other?

Q. How can I find out, without making things awkward, whether one of my close male friends fancies one of my close female friends? They have known each other for years but until recently were both in long-term relationships. Now she has developed a major crush on him. Is there a way I could help to move things forward? It is too risky to tell him directly, because if he’s not interested, it could spoil the whole dynamic of our group. – Name and address withheld A. Wait till you are alone with the male friend and scrolling on your phones. Randomly mention the female’s name, e.g: ‘Oh wow, X is running in a marathon today!’ Then, in an absent-minded manner: ‘Hey – weren’t you guys an item back in the day?’ He will either reply with words to the effect of ‘No way.

Dear Mary: How can I stop my husband overeating?

Q. Some older American friends take me and my husband out to dinner once a year when they are over in London. They are very old-school and it’s always a gastronomic feast. Last autumn – and I’ve been mulling this over in my head since then – we went to one of London’s best hotels, where I had grouse as my main course. Something had obviously gone wrong with my order as it was totally raw, and I don’t just mean slightly bloody – it had not been anywhere near an oven. I think my hosts would have been mortified if I had complained to our waiter. It was dark in the hotel so they could not see my plate. In the unlikely (I hope) event of this happening again, what should I do? – Name and address withheld A. Grouse-serving Ranald Macdonald of Boisdale restaurants steps in to advise: ‘I would have said, “While I appreciate that this grouse is perfectly cooked, I have to admit to being a complete heathen and I am ashamed to say I prefer my grouse cooked a little more.

Spectator Out Loud

Freddy Gray, Mary Killen and Jonathan Miller

21 min listen

Spectator Out Loud

Freddy Gray, Mary Killen and Jonathan Miller

21 min listen

Freddy Gray questions Biden’s supposed ‘hot streak’ (00:55), Mary Killen warns that a neighbourly feud is worse than a hosepipe ban (07:19) and Jonathan Miller talks about France’s sexual civil war (11:43).

Should you grass on a neighbour who breaks the hosepipe ban?

We know many water companies are themselves guilty of profligate waste through unrepaired leaks. So to snitch on a neighbour, who is making a comparatively tiny personal contribution to the drought, seems petty. But we are only human and it is hard to watch your flowers and vegetables wither and die while your neighbour is still drenching his own produce with gay abandon. If you have a smart water meter you might be more careful about over-use as Big Brother is watching you. Candy, a wife and mother of three in my nearby town, showed me her own bill for water use. It announced that her total water use was 93m3 between January and July 2022. The bill declared: ‘That’s the same as about 372,000 cups of tea, OR 1,240 showers OR 1,163 baths.

Dear Mary: Can I ask our hosts to look for my husband’s tooth in the flowerbed?

Dear Mary: How do I tell my neighbours I’m too busy to stop for a chat?

Q. My parents are abroad for two months and as my flatmates in London are all, like me, working from home, I’ve moved to their country cottage to get some peace. This is an idyllic and very community-based village but one unforeseen problem has arisen. The house is at the end of a cul-de-sac lane and every time I nip out to do anything – post a letter, buy a pint of milk – I run into neighbours, each one requiring at least a five-minute chat. Short errands are taking an hour to complete. Without seeming to be unfriendly, how can I, on weekdays, give the message I am busy getting stuff done? – Q.R., Lincolnshire A. Why not take up roller-skating? In that way you will always be travelling at a speed faster than walking pace and can wave enthusiastically as you rush past shouting: ‘Sorry, I haven’t learned how to stop yet!’ Q.

Dear Mary: How do I stop a mutual friend giving my contact details to a man I don’t like?

Q. Everyone was divine at a very jolly lunch I attended in the Cotswolds with the exception of one person, who everyone else seems to know and like, but about whom I have always had a mild phobia. Fortunately I didn’t have to sit anywhere near him but when I wrote to my host he told me this particular man had asked for my contact details. I really don’t want him to make contact with me. How can I duck out of this in a diplomatic way, Mary? – N.H., Gloucestershire A. You will have to just say ‘do pass them on’. If an invitation from the feared figure is then forthcoming respond immediately. Thank him with enthusiasm but explain that since you owe so many people a return of hospitality, you have had to impose a strict rule upon yourself.

Dear Mary: How do we say no to a neighbour who wants to use our pool?

Q. I was billeted for a party in Norfolk with a couple previously unknown to me. They were more than welcoming but quite formal – hence I felt awkward about asking them if they could change a £50 note so I could leave £10 for their cleaner (it was all I had in my wallet). It seemed a bit of a crass thing to ask of this particular elderly couple. Having come from the station by taxi, I had no car of my own so couldn’t drive to a cashpoint. There were no other guests staying in the house. There were no shops within walking distance and I was getting a taxi back to the station. I agonised and ended up leaving nothing. Should I have left £50 in the circumstances? What else could I have done, Mary? – M.L., London SW10 A.

Dear Mary: How do I avoid getting waylaid at a packed party?

Q. I have found parties frustrating this month because they have been too crowded. Is there a polite way to get through a really packed event without stopping to talk to any number of people you know and like and have things to say to, when someone you particularly want to talk to is at the other end of the room and may leave before you can get to them? – B.A., London SW1 A. It’s always worth picking up two glasses when you walk into a busy party. They will allow you to plough purposefully on towards your target. Hold the two glasses up and tell your old friends as you pass: ‘Back in a minute – let me just deliver this.’ Q. I have invited an old friend to Sunday lunch, thinking he was bringing a special lamp to illuminate an artwork he has restored.

Dear Mary: How do I get my cleaner to put everything back in its proper place?

Q. This year once again my company took a small group of clients to lunch at Royal Ascot. Our guests included a couple of former clients we asked along for old times’ sake. These have both written not only to thank us but to say we can count them in for next year’s lunch as they ‘wouldn’t miss it for the world’. Fond as we are of these former clients, to be brutally honest we can’t afford to have them every year as we need to invite current spenders. Any thoughts, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. Tell them they were a great asset at the lunch and their names are definitely going into the hat for next year. When they ask ‘What hat?’, explain that next year you will have to draw names from a hat as the lunch has become a victim of its own success and is oversubscribed with willing participants, so the only fair way to ration the invitations is to draw names from a hat.

Dear Mary: How do I get a party invitation from the friend who thinks I snubbed him?

Q. I have heard news of a forthcoming party which I would really love to attend. The problem is that the party is being given by a man I have met on a handful of occasions, during which we always got on like a house on fire. Unfortunately we twice left the ball in my court to arrange to meet up for a proper chat. I wanted to but never got around to it and now assume he must have felt snubbed as he has not invited me to this fairly big party. Any suggestions, Mary? – M.W., London W8 A. Make things right immediately by telephoning to invite him to dinner. Can he come on… then give the date of his own party. He is bound to explain the reason he is busy that night and invite you along. Don’t forget to follow up with a proper appointment for a one-to-one dinner.

Dear Mary: Must I call my new partner my ‘boyfriend’ when we’re in our seventies?

Q. My girlfriend and I have started using a personal trainer for some joint sessions at our local gym; the sessions are generally very good and we are really enjoying them. The issue is that the trainer spends quite a lot of the time on his mobile phone and it often distracts him from what he is meant to be teaching us. Sometimes we have to ask him what we are doing next while he is scrolling on his device. We are paying a lot and expect a better service, but I find it awkward saying anything to him about his phone habits. Any suggestions? – Name and address withheld A. When he starts using his mobile, pull out your own and exclaim jollily: ‘Oh good, we’re having a break are we? What a relief!’ This should embarrass him into desisting.

Dear Mary: my pool guests are outstaying their welcome

Q. A close friend, who has lost most of her income in recent years, has done something disfiguring to a front tooth – it looks as if she’s used Polyfilla to repair it herself. She tries to never smile so no one will see, but sadly it is highly visible. I’d be happy to pay for a dentist for her but she is proud and would hate me to patronise her. – Name and address withheld A. Collude with your own dentist. If the dentist is the right sort, you may be able to spin your friend a yarn – for example that, for the purposes of teaching junior dentists, your dentist, who has become a bit of a friend, has asked you to look out for a volunteer patient on whom to demonstrate reconstructive surgery. In this way you could coax your friend into the chair, where all necessary treatment can be performed as though she is doing a favour to the dentist – secretly paid for by you.

Dear Mary: how can we get a neighbour to acknowledge our kind deed?

Q. As a mildly famous professional cook, I agreed to judge a children’s cake-baking competition at the summer fête of the tiny village I have just moved to. Subsequent conversations have worried me as I have learnt that the parents of these under-tens are taking the competition very seriously. It’s clear that the awarding of a first prize to any child, however well deserved, will make me more enemies than friends. My name is already on the publicity leaflets and it’s too late to pull out. I would welcome your advice. – Name and address withheld A. Instead of awarding a first prize, you should pronounce each of the entries to be the winner of a separate category. For example, most beautifully decorated cake, most delicious cake, most nutritious cake, most colourful cake and so on.

The Edition

How the rebels plan to finish off Boris

45 min listen

The Edition

How the rebels plan to finish off Boris

45 min listen

Dear Mary: How should I handle summer invitations when I might get a better offer?

Q. In order to raise money for a worthwhile cause, I have agreed to open my garden for the first time and provide a sit-down lunch for 30. My problem is that there are certain local people who I really don’t want to come and snoop around, but I fear that once they see the advertisement they will be the first to buy tickets and thereby displace slower-off-the mark locals whose company I would genuinely enjoy. Can you help, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. Insert a codicil at the end of the advertisement warning: ‘Places are limited and will be balloted.’ Q. How do you reply to summer invitations which are sent out many weeks in advance when you cannot predict whether you will even be in the country at the time? It is so rude not to reply promptly when the host is clearly trying to organise something extravagant and wants to know whom he can sit next to whom, but I don’t want to accept and then find I have a better invitation to go abroad on the date in question.

Dear Mary: Should house guests pay to charge their electric cars?

Q. My wife’s father, who she adored, has died and she is to be his sole beneficiary. She intends to import a mass of low-grade ‘ornaments’ and unappealing furniture into our home. I’m afraid these things will, to be blunt, lower the tone of the house I inherited myself. I am fairly well-known in the art world – so it matters. Any advice, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. Enthuse to your wife that you feel her late father’s possessions, so redolent of his distinctive character, would get lost if inserted piecemeal into the existing decor of your house. Instead, why not make it a project to magically recreate the atmosphere of his former home by clearing a room and turning it over to his memory? She is bound to agree that placing all of the incoming ornaments and furniture into the one space would allow the inheritance to more powerfully resonate.

Dear Mary: How do I dodge my village’s Jubilee tug-of-war contest?

Q. I’m 28 and lucky enough to own a four-bed house in Notting Hill. I let three of the rooms to friends. One of these now has her boyfriend over regularly. It was fine when he just stayed the night occasionally but he is now omnipresent and even brings his dirty washing over. The boyfriend contributes nothing to the running costs of the house and I feel I should say something as the rest of us are effectively subsidising him. How can I do this without causing offence? – H.N.A.M., London W11 A. Collude with one of the male lodgers. Script him so that, at a time when all four of you are sitting down together, he announces casually that he is toying, just toying, with the idea of moving to another house nearer to his place of work.

Dear Mary: How do we stop friends dropping by without calling?

Q. Some years ago, much to the surprise of our many friends in London, my husband and I moved to a remote village in Wales. We have never regretted it and often enthused to others about the area. Now we have been taken by surprise since two friends have bought a house in our village, citing our happiness as the reason for their move. While we like this couple, we don’t know them terribly well and are worried they will expect to see an awful lot of us. Our biggest dread is that, since there is bad signal here, they will assume it is OK for them to drop in without ringing first. How, without seeming unfriendly, can we respectfully draw boundaries when they have moved in? – R.M., Wales A. Tell these people how thrilled you are about their imminent move.

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