Len | The Spectator columnists & writers

‘Marketing reckons we should be using TikTok – can you do a sexy little dance for 15 seconds?’

Marketing reckons we should be using TikTok

‘Marketing reckons we should be using TikTok – can you do a sexy little dance for 15 seconds?’

Marketing reckons we should be using TikTok

‘You know the saying… if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.’

You know the saying...

‘You know the saying… if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.’

You know the saying...

Remember when...

‘Remember when we did this to be romantic rather than to save on hot water and electricity?’

Remember when...

‘Remember when we did this to be romantic rather than to save on hot water and electricity?’

‘I suppose it was just a question of time...there’s now an Olivia Colman channel.’

I suppose it was just a question of time...

‘I suppose it was just a question of time...there’s now an Olivia Colman channel.’

I suppose it was just a question of time...

‘The reason used to be “because it’s there”. Now it’s to be seen to be there.’

To be seen to be there

‘The reason used to be “because it’s there”. Now it’s to be seen to be there.’

To be seen to be there

‘Hurry up, kids — Springwatch is on. You’re missing all the cute animals.’

Hurry up, kids

‘Hurry up, kids — Springwatch is on. You’re missing all the cute animals.’

Hurry up, kids

‘Apologies for the delay — your newspaper is now only available online, so I took the liberty of printing it out.’

Apologies for the delay

‘Apologies for the delay — your newspaper is now only available online, so I took the liberty of printing it out.’

Apologies for the delay

‘Well, if you’ve been a naughty boy, Santa might just bring you one.’

Well, if you’ve been a naughty boy

‘Well, if you’ve been a naughty boy, Santa might just bring you one.’

Well, if you’ve been a naughty boy

I’m dreading Christmas

‘I’m dreading Christmas. Now that lockdown’s relaxed I’ll have to see the bloody grandkids.’

I’m dreading Christmas

‘I’m dreading Christmas. Now that lockdown’s relaxed I’ll have to see the bloody grandkids.’

‘It’s his coping strategy.’

It’s his coping strategy

‘It’s his coping strategy.’

It’s his coping strategy

‘I can hear purring. Let’s just hope it’s not the snake feeling contented.’

I can hear purring

‘I can hear purring. Let’s just hope it’s not the snake feeling contented.’

I can hear purring

‘He’ll be furious when he comes round — he’s very much against wearing a mask.’

Against wearing face masks

‘He’ll be furious when he comes round — he’s very much against wearing a mask.’

Against wearing face masks

'That bloody cat! I swear it’s trying to kill me.'

That bloody cat!

That bloody cat!

'That bloody cat! I swear it’s trying to kill me.'

‘I can’t see this setting on the care label anywhere.’

I can’t see this setting on the care label anywhere.

I can’t see this setting on the care label anywhere.

‘I can’t see this setting on the care label anywhere.’

‘I wish you’d stop moaning — I planted another tree, didn’t I?’

I wish you’d stop moaning

‘I wish you’d stop moaning — I planted another tree, didn’t I?’

I wish you’d stop moaning

‘Lockdown hasn’t been all bad — it’s made me focus on what I really want out of life.’

Lockdown hasn’t been all bad

‘Lockdown hasn’t been all bad — it’s made me focus on what I really want out of life.’

Lockdown hasn’t been all bad

‘You never said anything about it being a formal affair.’

You never said anything about it being a formal affair

‘You never said anything about it being a formal affair.’

You never said anything about it being a formal affair

Hansel and Gretel

Hansel and Gretel

‘And the prince and princess lived happily ever after? I know it’s a fairy tale, but that’s just pushing it too far.’

The prince and princess lived happily ever after

‘And the prince and princess lived happily ever after? I know it’s a fairy tale, but that’s just pushing it too far.’

The prince and princess lived happily ever after

‘On the other hand, it’s a marvellous example of successful rewilding.’

Successful rewilding

‘On the other hand, it’s a marvellous example of successful rewilding.’

Successful rewilding

‘You twisted psycho! You’re going to starve me to death.’

You twisted psycho

‘You twisted psycho! You’re going to starve me to death.’

You twisted psycho

‘I said just look as if you are pushing it over.’

I said just look as if you are pushing it over

‘I said just look as if you are pushing it over.’

I said just look as if you are pushing it over

‘His mood improved when he found out how much the economic crisis will disproportionately affect the young.’

His mood improved

‘His mood improved when he found out how much the economic crisis will disproportionately affect the young.’

His mood improved

‘Gotta dash — there’s a Zoom meeting at 2 p.m. that I need to interrupt.’

Gotta dash

‘Gotta dash — there’s a Zoom meeting at 2 p.m. that I need to interrupt.’

Gotta dash

‘I think they’re called “bags for life” because they stay with us for ever.’

Bags for life

‘I think they’re called “bags for life” because they stay with us for ever.’

Bags for life

‘Children! No phones on the table!’

Children! No phones on the table!

‘Children! No phones on the table!’

Children! No phones on the table!

Recession social distancing

Recession social distancing

Recession social distancing

Recession social distancing

‘You’re reading too much into it, Professor Freud. All it means is that your couch is too big for the doorway.’

You’re reading too much into it

‘You’re reading too much into it, Professor Freud. All it means is that your couch is too big for the doorway.’

You’re reading too much into it

‘Why the urgent phone call? So what if the kids have built a fort? All kids build forts.’

Why the urgent phone call?

‘Why the urgent phone call? So what if the kids have built a fort? All kids build forts.’

Why the urgent phone call?