When I was just starting out on the slopes, a slip of a boy with nothing but training skis and a dream, there were a number of issues I wish someone had warned me about:
1. Don’t let your mother kit you out
The piste is really just a massive catwalk. I look all right these days, but I had to learn the hard way: skiing on a hot day in a puffy bright yellow onesy, goggles and a crash helmet is apt to cause scoffing from overhead chairlifts.
2. Know your limits
Stick to the blue runs (the equivalent of a 20mph zone near a driving school) and try to restrain yourself from jumping. If you remember nothing else, remember this: never under any circumstances attempt a black run (the equivalent of the A9 between Inverness and Pitlochry), unless you’re sure you’re ready. If you’re lucky, you might come out with a couple of broken bones; if not, you may hit the bottom at about 90mph and collide with the chairlift queue like a bowling ball. That’s a real thing that actually happens to some people.
3. Last, but by no means least – believe me – sun cream
Sunny or not, it makes no difference: apparently the rays still somehow find their way through the clouds, and then the snow magnifies the effect. Once, after a long, creamless day on the slopes, my face, by dinner,was getting red. By the time I went to bed it had gone through white and was just starting to turn a rather ripe purple. When I awoke the next morning I couldn’t even feel it. This, the doctor told me, was because my skin had blistered entirely over. I looked like an orc during puberty. I spent the remainder of the holiday indoors.
So, there it is. Remember all this and you won’t go far wrong. Probably.