‘Last chance for Krakow. Krakow only. Sir, I am not interested in Belfast. When I DECIDE to be interested in Belfast I will inform you. Until then wait your turn and rejoin the queue. Step aside Madam, if you will.’ Robert pointed to a woman with two small children. ‘You’re not listening. I am aware of the fact everyone here wants to board. I understand your concerns, but I am currently processing Krakow. Krakow ONLY. Now, step back behind the barrier and wait patiently.’ Poor guy. He must have known he was asking the impossible. Robert was Ryanair’s Messenger of Doom — a role I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Looking down at his clipboard and wiping the sweat from his brow he barked out another destination I’d never heard of.
‘Listen up. Final call for Toss-off. Toss-off only.’ A rush of demented passengers pushed aside three surgically masked Japanese tourists before bravely squaring up to him.
‘We’ve been queuing for over three hours,’ spat the elected ringleader with undisguised and furious contempt. ‘Our flight to Toulon leaves in under five minutes. We haven’t even checked in. What kind of a joke airline is this?’
Robert had no answer. He just shrugged helplessly and turned his attention back to Krakow. Toulon was beyond his control. Belfast was beyond his control. Actually, if truth be told, pretty much everything was beyond his control at Stansted airport last Saturday afternoon.
Trust me it was a special form of hell.
Personally, I’m staggered Michael O’Leary still bothers to employ pilots to fly his aircraft. He’s successfully managed to eliminate virtually every other form of service — failing only in his attempt to charge for in-flight access to the lavatories — so why he decided to draw the line at pilots is a mystery to me. Ryanair takes no-frills flying to new depths. This is not no frills — this is frayed, fraught and deeply flawed flying.
This is an airline that has the arrogance, audacity and breathtaking inefficiency to see fit to open only 11 check-in ‘bag drops’ to deal with 255 flights on 1 August — traditionally the busiest travel day of the year — to ‘process’ (God forbid Ryanair ever employs the word ‘service’) thousands of passengers. The scene at Stansted made the madness one encounters at Mumbai looked controlled. It was sheer mayhem. Passengers were grid-locked and grim-faced as flight after flight took off without ever being announced. One gentleman gamely shoved through the crowds, jumped up on to an empty desk and made an impassioned speech imploring Ryanair to take control. His pleas fell on deaf ears.
I’m a great advocate and consumer of no-frills, economic travel. I can’t afford not to be. Needs must. I don’t ever expect to be pampered, spoilt or even comfortable when travelling on a bargain airline. I understand the concept behind ‘getting exactly what you pay for’ and don’t have a problem with it. My mantra has always been, it’s not where you start your journey — it’s where you end up on holiday that really counts. Hundreds of passengers last Saturday were not even given that opportunity. The disorganisation, ineptitude and lack of compassion shown by Ryanair was truly shameful.
I did manage to check in, but only just and only by default. Our house guests weren’t so lucky. Never again. I’m checking out.