Spectator competition winners: Tory leadership acrostics

In Competition No. 3262, you were invited to submit a poem on behalf of Rishi Sunak or Liz Truss in which they set out their stall, the first letters of each line inadvertently spelling out an inappropriate word or phrase. As the Tory leadership contest limps towards its conclusion, you crafted some muscular last-minute pitches on behalf of the two hopefuls. The winners below snaffle £25 each.

“ Look! I’m the face the country needs!
You’ve seen the photos – loads! – they’re great!
In every one I’m She-Who-Leads
Negotiating for the State!

Grand deals! Delivered round the world!
My Cheddar cheese! What triumph! God!
You wait! Just watch my plans unfurled!
Whack Civil Service pay! How odd –

And in the North! Did I say that?
You shouldn’t trust the media lies.
They twist my words! They like a spat!
Oh Brexit! What a dazzling prize!

All taxes cut immediately!
What Boris started I’ll maintain!
I’m wedded to his legacy!
No Nolan guff! The same again!
D.A. Prince

“Goal one is slash the taxes, after tackling our inflation,
On top of that, tough crackdowns on illegal immigration,
Since we must watch our pennies, and in view of what is spent,
Have corporation tax increase to 25 per cent,
I’ll look at offshore wind turbines, cut bills for energy,
Maintain our defence spending; two per cent of GDP,
Fiscally, financially, I’m with the common man,
I’ll show support for households with my budgetary plan,
Look into planet mindfulness, emissions down to none,
Take ethical advisers, choose an independent one,
Have public sector pay deals picked by bodies well selected,
Your income tax I’ve pledged to cut the second I’m elected,
Rishi’s ready now to rule; though bills are astronomic,
I’ll steer us through the stormy winds of troubles economic,
Cost-effective outcomes are my mantra and my reed,
Humble as my life has been, I’m just the one to lead.
Janine Beacham

“In one word: ‘tax cuts’, Just like that. Job done.
And by the way, my rival – he’s a one,
Mr High Taxes in a posh white shirt –
Could steer us up the Swanee, that’s a cert.
Unisex toilets? Well, I never did!
Can you imagine that? I say get rid,
Knowing that Mrs Thatcher would agree.
Oh, by the way, zero U-turns from me,
Only from panicked losers left behind
By my charisma and sagacious mind,
As twice as anti-‘woke’ as you-know-who,
Not to mention that I ousted the EU,
And by the way, did I announce tax cuts?
No double talk from me, no ifs or buts.
All you who feel the pinch, I feel your pain.
So vote for me. Make Britain great again!
Basil Ransome-Davies

“At troubled times of national emergency,
New, honourable leadership’s a must:
Good honest British values, common decency,
Integrity, transparency and trust.
Equality should have more legal backing:
Regard for all in thought and word and deed;
A candidness that has been sadly lacking –
Yes, that is what the British people need!
Now, if you elect me as your Prime Minister,
Everyone in Britain can expect
Rishi, pure and simple, nothing sinister.
I’ll speak the truth and treat all with respect;
Show courtesy in PMQs and cabinet,
Having an end to posturing and vanity,
Old practices discarding – be compassionate,
Treat friend and foe alike with some humanity!
David Silverman

“Liz Truss, all woman, doughty, bold and tough,
Is ready for the challenges she’ll face.
Knowing the worst, she’ll keep a cracking pace –
Exactly what we need when times are tough.
Maybe your smart-shod Sunak is more smooth
Yet Liz it is whose dreams are so much bigger,
Pep is the thing she has, and vim, and vigour
Oh how she’ll rock them in the polling booth!
True heir to Thatcher, she’ll be unafraid
To tackle all those problems long ignored.
Yes, with Liz you’ll be dazzled, never bored,
As she storms down the paths that Boris made.
Unless you’re scared of being victorious
No question – you just have to vote for Liz,
The woman with the fervour and the fizz!
Your vote is all she needs – vote, vote for Truss.
George Simmers

“Does not a woman naturally fill
Each aspect of our lives with perfect grace,
And in the service of the nation, still
Remain best suited for the foremost place?
Great Margaret showed how things had to be –
Our mighty champion of women’s rights!
Dressed both for power and femininity –,
Now women must always win all the fights.
Onwards, Great Liz! Our nation’s polity
Turned (Mrs T. did not), and forged ahead
Towards a new and broad society.
Rich men, though clever, must just shake with dread.
Unlike her rival, she can dazzle us!
Straight, honest, fidelis in omnibus!
Soon shall a woman be victorious
Brian Murdoch

No. 3265: gimme gimme gimme

You are invited to submit a letter to a friend asking for a loan as it might have been written by a well-known character (please specify) from the field of fact or fiction. Please email entries of up to 150 words to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 31 August.