Spectator competition winners: songs from the corporate songbooks of Google and Amazon

In Competition No. 3267, you were invited to supply a song from the songbook of one of today’s corporate giants.

Songs of The IBM, published in the 1930s, inspired this challenge, and you can listen to original renditions of zingers such as the hymn-like anthem ‘Hail to The IBM’ and the more jaunty, show tune-y ‘March on With IBM’ on the IBM website and on YouTube.

Singing was encouraged by the company’s founder Thomas J. Watson Sr as a motivational tool and to inspire loyalty. Here’s a snippet from the rousing IBM Rally Song ‘Ever Onward’:

“The name of T.J. Watson means a courage none can stem 

And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.

Of course, working culture has changed somewhat since the Great Depression and your offerings were rather less reverential.

A accomplished entry drew on influences that ranged from the Andrews sisters to Black Lace. Honourable mentions go to Ben Hale, Paul Freeman, David Shields, Alan Millard and Tracy Davidson. But leading the winners, below, who are rewarded with £30 each, is Bill Greenwell’s excellent twist on the second world war hit ‘Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy’.

“They were a famous pair of coders out at Stanford U 

They had their nerdy noodles and some derring-do 

They made some algorithms link 

And then their fortunes were made 

      and they were in the pink 

They’re in your software now, 

      and when you press a key 

Pay the boodle-oodle Google boys in Silicon V. 

 

Whether you’re a techie, or you need some merch 

You have to do the Google when you do a search 

We have Maps and Mail and Cloud 

And when you surf the web 

      you’ll always do us proud 

We’re in the Android, 

      we’re in the Diction-ree 

We are the boodle-oodle Google boys of Silicon V. 

Bill Greenwell

“Amazoo zoo zoo: press the doorbell, run away; 

Amazoo zoo zoo: it’s the wrong house anyway. 

To the left, to the right, chuck the parcel anywhere; 

Amazoo zoo zoo: we’re not paid to stand and stare. 

 

If you’re out, there’s no doubt someone else will be about; 

You’re away? That’s okay – God will guard it if you pray, 

While we whistle while we work every fourteen- hour day: 

Four hundred drops: no time to shirk, or to count up all our pay. 

We love to work for Jeff Bezos, 

Though he don’t pay many pesos, 

And as we’re driving along, 

We’re always signing this song: 

 

A… Ma… Zoo zoo zoo: Alexa knows all about you; 

Amazoo zoo zoo: she hears everything you do. 

Echo dots, spying bots – making money’s just a game: 

Amazoo zoo zoo: World domination is our aim. 

David Silverman

“Mark Zuckerberg has made his mark 

And shaped his own mystique. 

Less visionary CEOs 

Seem laughably antique. 

While lesser minds are yesterday, 

He’s the middle of next week. 

We never Meta better cybergeek. 

 

We’ve heard him called a robot and 

We’ve heard him called a freak, 

But still we love the future Face- 

book algorithms tweak. 

Some people find him weird but we 

Prefer to think unique. 

We never Meta better cybergeek.  

Chris O’Carroll

“Stand up, stand up for Bezos, 

You wide consumer base; 

His is the horn of plenty, 

A global market place. 

From Mexico to Margate 

And Norway to Nepal, 

The swooping-arrow parcels 

Bring joy to one and all. 

Stand up for e-commerce, 

A flowing stream of gold 

Created in a garage, 

The dream of Jeff the Bold. 

Stand by your magic keyboard 

And cherish every key. 

Stand fast for market freedom 

And retail therapy. 

Basil Ransome-Davies

“You’re the boss! You’re the web Napoleon. 

You’re Bezos! You’re an Amazonian. 

You’re the cashmere socks in a cardboard box 

That’s vast. 

You’re devastating, a five-star rating, 

You’re unsurpassed. 

 

You’re the peak! You’re a modern Cortez. 

You’re the geek dating Lauren Sanchez. 

You’re the free-for-all that leaves every mall 

A husk. 

You’re Davy Crockett on a phallic rocket, 

You’re Elon Musk. 

 

You’re the bro! You’re the big banana. 

You’re the flow of the Susquehanna. 

We’re merely bots, bare milliwatts, dead loss, 

But Jeff, if we’re the workers, you’re the boss! 

Nick MacKinnon

No. 3270: lines on lines

You are invited to submit a short story entitled ‘The Queue’. Please email entries of up to 150 words to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 5 October.