Jaspistos
Pseudospeak
‘What we have to facilitate is a bottom-up approach.’
‘What we have to facilitate is a bottom-up approach.’
In Competition No. 2464 you were invited to provide a specimen of ministerial waffle.
‘What we have to facilitate is a bottom-up approach.’ When I heard those words come out of the mouth of Ruth Kelly (could she really have been Secretary of State for Education?), I knew we had a competition. I am grateful to Virginia Price Evans for drawing my attention to ‘bafflegab’, defined in Chambers as ‘the professional logorrhoea of many politicians, officials and salespeople, characterised by prolix, abstract circumlocution and/or a profusion of abstruse technical terminology used as a means of persuasion, pacification or obfuscation.’ Dr Johnson rides again! The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bonus fiver goes to Peter Gasson for a nice piece of balderdash.
This government is committed to reform of public services to match the best in the world, and as a minister I am personally passionate about achieving this goal. My pledge to you is that I will put in place the building blocks. I will set the direction of travel. With my officials I will develop toolkits to undertake a robust interrogation of our working practices. I will address issues around the resourcing and management of change. My objective is nothing less than a dynamic, top-performing, cutting-edge service, fit for purpose for the 21st century. My target is an enhanced customer experience which will empower all our stakeholders to access a wider and wider range of initiatives and opportunities. This government is about making choices. This government is about a vision for all the British people. It is a tremendous and exciting challenge, and one on which we will deliver!
This government has successfully continued to strive, year on year, not merely to level playing fields but to build on them, moving rapidly towards deliverability and literally touching the people at every point. Whether including the socially excluded, offering work to those that can’t as well as those that can, or utilising the principles of contestability to engender stakeholder empowerment, we’ve never forgotten that real people with real lives are at the absolute epicentre of our reforming agenda. Whether recognising the key role played by education within our schools or the pivotal cruciality of the customer interface in our hospitals, we have always eschewed the empty promises so beloved of the Opposition for benchmarked, measurable targets everyone can see once we’ve hit them. Prudent economic management underpins all our work; we’re continuously intervening to provide the legislative backdrop against which business can be left to do what it does best.
Let me make it absolutely clear that there is no question that these are not issues we will address. And if there are lessons to be learned we will not shirk from taking the tough decisions necessary. But first and foremost we must establish the facts. That is why I have today ordered a commission of inquiry to examine the evidence, conduct a root and branch review, and report their findings to me as a matter of urgency. The commission will be headed by Lord Longrass, a leading authority in the field and a man of vast experience and unimpeachable integrity. Meanwhile, until I receive his conclusions it would be invidious of me to comment further on allegations which remain untested and unproven. Speculation would be unhelpful and perhaps damaging to the cause of truth. And it is the truth that we are determined to uncover.
Prime Minister, do you intend to raise taxes?
What about taxes?
Does that mean raising taxes — yes or no?
At the end of the day, education policy must encourage self-actualisation while tackling social exclusion. In ignoring voters we ignore democracy: each vote is a human voice. We care for all children and families. We look forward to — perhaps in the future — no hasty solution, but a tough vision of renewal, building on a truly sustainable course of action, schools with muliticultural performance indicators and parental choice advisory teams, enriching the differently-abled, the families of undocumented workers and the disenchanted who wreak havoc in our inner cities. We shall repossess our streets from criminal vampires who threaten our stakeholders! Remember, crime tears at the very fabric of justice and democracy! We must empower communities to drive the criminal element from the streets and embrace them in the educational fold. Investment in human capital will underpin our children’s future with no child left in the cold; low-fat hot dinners for all.
The media are stirring up bogus issues and fogging the real ones, egged on by our opponents. Our own approach is one of transparency. We have always made it perfectly clear what our policy favours, namely a level playing field and appropriate measures where necessary, without fear or favour, while maximising windows of opportunity and guarding the centre ground, with zero tolerance for the terrorist community. Furthermore, if you look at our record you will find that we have made good on our promise not to offer quick fixes or throw money at problems. I can categorically deny that there has been any failure of integrity on the government’s part. As to the allegations in question, the Prime Minister has already said that it would not be in the national interest to make any detailed comment on them at this moment in time or to launch a public inquiry.
No. 2467: Seen but not heard
You are invited to write a poem in which all the rhymes are eye-rhymes, not ear-rhymes, e.g., ‘Bach’ and ‘attach’, ‘dead’ and ‘plead’. Maximum 16 lines. Entries to ‘Competition No. 2467’ by 26 October.