How to protest the protestors

These are bleak times in our land, and we must take our pleasures where we can. Personally I have been able to find a great deal of consolation over recent days in watching members of the public confronting protestors from the Just Stop Oil movement. There is some especially pleasing footage of van drivers in south London hauling protestors off the roads by the scruff of their necks. The colourful language which accompanies these acts is an additional delight, for the irate British public is not always immune to using words that polite people might deplore.

All the videos bring some satisfaction. This week a strange-looking man-child with a comb-over sprayed orange paint on to the Aston Martin showroom in central London. As he issued his subsequent sermon for the cameras, various off-stage motorists could be heard shouting unkind comments about such things as the man-child’s crop top.

My sympathies in these exchanges are entirely with the motorists. While I do not own a van, I would like to think that if I encountered these protestors I too would do my bit.

At the Uffizi this week I happened to see Botticelli’s ‘Spring’, which environmental activists glued themselves to in July. The sight of the masterpiece reminded me to compliment the gallery’s staff. Because when the eco-loons glued themselves around the Uffizi, the gallery’s staff ripped them off and away immediately. They did not stand around like their counterparts at the National Gallery when similar stunts were attempted. The London guards seemed principally interested in speaking into their walkie-talkies and protecting the protestors – which doubtless encouraged the protestors to return.

I suppose we all have our breaking points. Mine came last week when Just Stop Oil protestors threw a tin of tomato soup over Van Gogh’s ‘Sunflowers’. It is hard to know precisely why the synapses exploded this time. Maybe it was the sense that here they have despoiled too holy a place. Just consider what Van Gogh went through to produce this masterpiece. But if ever there was a moment when the instinct for rage flared up then this was it.

What had Van Gogh ever done to them? What did the barbarians think they were achieving, other than publicity? Do they really imagine that in the midst of an energy crisis, the desecration of masterworks is going to persuade the government to get off the most reliable forms of energy that we have?

As it happens, the lunatics do now have a specific demand, which is that the government stop all further exploration of North Sea oil and gas. The protestors are of course already opposed to nuclear energy and to fracking. If they had their way the country’s lights would go out this winter and stay out for good, which is not a policy most of us could go along with.

Still, my personal tolerance limits – never very high in the first place – have finally been breached. So I should like to suggest two policies for the betterment of the land.

The first is this. Just about the only good thing the present government has done is to say that it will allow further North Sea concessions. I say: drill, baby, drill. What a wonderful thing it would be if the North Sea could give us another energy boom and Aberdeen become the new Dubai. As a side pleasure, we would be able to watch Nicola Sturgeon keep opposing on green grounds a policy that would be excellent for the economy of Scotland and the whole nation’s energy reserves.

Additionally I say: frack, baby, frack. If you look at the parts of this country that would benefit from fracking, they are precisely the parts that need regeneration the most. I know many people believe the propaganda that fracking can cause tremors almost as large as those created by heavy motorway traffic. But seeing Blackpool and other areas experience an economic high should override such exaggerated doubts.

So, yes, first the government should respond with a massive expansion of oil and gas exploration and a reasonable increase in nuclear as well. But I promised a second policy, and here is where I can be of some more practical assistance. As my own form of protest, I would like to encourage the public to take matters into their own hands. I know the editor will say that I must not use the pages of this august publication to condone the breaking of the law, so let me phrase my invitation with uncharacteristic care.

If people see protestors in the middle of the road, haul them away. Do not just stand by. You will notice that the people doing the protesting are not always the fittest-looking members of our society. You do not have to be an MMA fighter to deal with them. But since the police seem to think their job is to protect the protestors, it is down to everyone else to do what the police are so unwilling to.

As for the people throwing paint, glue and soup at our nation’s cultural heritage – again I am trying to word this carefully – do not stand by. Make the despoliation of our heritage something we do not simply observe with interest, as though it is mere performance art. Stand up for things, instead of standing by. Don’t just take some footage on your iPhone. Get stuck in there.

It is not enough just to encourage. I should also like to assist. Thus I propose the setting up of a bail fund for protecting the public from Just Stop Oil. I am willing to start the crowdfunding. And I would like to offer a cash prize too, to be paid to the first person who stops anyone attacking a painting. I may even name the award in honour of the security guards of the Uffizi, who showed us the proper attitude to take when the barbarians attempt to rush through the gates.