Jaspistos
Delusions
Probably the most enjoyable comp of the year, a delight and an agony to judge.
In Competition No. 2474 you were invited to supply, following the format and formula of Lewis Carroll’s ‘The Mad Gardener’s Song’, three stanzas which could aptly be titled ‘The Deluded Politician’.
This is my favourite Carroll poem. People often miss it because it comes not from the Alice books but from Sylvie and Bruno, much less read. Anyway, it sparked off probably the most enjoyable comp of the year, a delight and an agony to judge. The only minus factor was the general tendency to attach the delusions to the same man, our present Prime Minister. After all, there must be many politicians, here and abroad, who are equally out of touch with reality. I have pleasure in awarding the prizewinners, printed below, £25 each, and in handing the bonus fiver to W.J. Webster. A happy Christmas to you all.
Dave thought he’d make the party go
By standing on his head,
But those who’d stayed the right way up
Cried, ‘Look, he’s turning red!’
‘Well, upside down the view seems fine,’
He nonchalantly said.
He thought he’d steal the Emperor’s clothes
And wear them as his own,
But that revealed for all to see
A ringer but no Tone.
‘Just rub your eyes and watch,’ said he,
‘For all I have not shown.’
He thought he’d shoot a shibboleth
To mount upon the wall,
But though he used a Maxim gun
The beast refused to fall.
‘Ah, well,’ he said, ‘one day you’ll find
That I’m right after all.’
W.J. Webster
He thought he saw a baby deer
That gambolled on the grass;
He looked again and saw it was
A rocky mountain pass.
‘Oh dear,’ he said, ‘a tragedy!
Or possibly a farce?’
He thought he saw a present hope
For liberal-minded folk;
He looked again and saw it was
A bottle in the smoke.
‘Oh dear,’ he said, ‘I’m getting old —
I just can’t see the joke.’
He thought he saw a rising star
Illuminate the murk;
He looked again and saw it was
An existential smirk.
‘Oh dear,’ he said, ‘in shiny cans
Who knows what worms may lurk?’
Moyra Blyth
He thought he saw a common toad
Who played the harpsichord.
He looked again and saw it was
A wealthy would-be lord.
‘Arrangements might be made,’ he said.
‘How much can you afford?’
He thought he saw historians
Record his glorious days.
He looked again and saw those geese
Who foul the grass they graze.
‘Such stupid birds,’ he thought, ‘may still
Believe the things one says.’
He thought he saw the monument
His grateful nation planned.
He looked again and saw it was
A ruin in the sand.
‘Perhaps,’ he mused, ‘one never should
Invade a foreign land.’
Hugh King
He thought he heard an Albatross
Ever so sweetly sing.
He looked again, and found it was
Mandelson on the wing.
‘Time to be on your way,’ he said;
‘You’re simply not the thing.’
He thought he saw a Centipede
With sixty-seven feet.
He looked again, and found it was
Blunkett in Downing Street.
‘Be off,’ he said; ‘this is no place
‘For men like us to meet.’
He thought he saw a Buffalo
At large in Regent’s Park.
He looked again, and found it was
A Minister called Clarke.
‘Time to go home,’ he said to him;
‘I think it’s getting dark.’
Paul Griffin
He thought he saw a President,
Who praised him to the skies:
He looked again and found it was
A plate of Raspberry Pies.
‘If these should win the vote,’ he said,
‘I’m due for a Surprise!’
He thought he saw a Dossier,
That proved that he’d been right:
He looked again and found it was
Quite studentish and slight.
‘I won’t be long in charge,’ he said,
‘But then again, I might!’
He thought he saw a Mori Poll
Predicting a landslide:
He looked again and found it was —
(But for the other side).
‘It seems my time has come,’ he said,
But I’ve enjoyed the ride!’
Gerard Benson
No. 2477: Three for luck
You are invited to supply three haikus (rhyme optional) which form a single poem greeting the New Year. Entries to ‘Competition No. 2477’ by 4 January.