A bluffer’s guide to (yet another) Tory leadership race

Here we go again – another leadership contest, another round of intense Westminster blather. Lightweight would-be commentators may feel their energy flagging as they prepare to analyse this next phase of high-level political violence. But alpha bluffers do not fret. We know that there is no such thing as a ‘tired talking point’ – although that is a handy phrase in any serious conversation. Try these ten fresh, handy sentences to keep you sounding shrewd as the Tories commit Hari Kiri again and everything falls apart:

1. Whither the one-nation caucus. Oh yes, you know your ‘Tory tribes’. You understand the complexities of the ‘uncivil war’ within the party. Say ‘whither’ with a wisp of irony to show you know you are speaking fluent fogey. If your listeners seem impressed, add, for good measure: ‘perhaps the wets are not so wet after all’.
2. We’re still fighting over Brexit, I’m afraid. You know it’s an obvious point but you have to make it. Up the ante, too, and go heavy on ‘the role of the nation state’ and ‘identity’ and look worried about the country – a country you still love, in spite of everything. You’re not going to cry.
3. Perhaps this electoral mandate has no prime minister. ‘Flipping’ is textbook bluff stuff. So, as soon as somebody suggests that, surely, the next leader will not have a mandate, flip. You see deeper. You know that ‘politics seems broken’.
4. It’s not as simple as ‘left’ versus ‘right’ – in almost any party these days. Again, wait for the set-up here, because it will come: as soon as somebody mentions ‘the left/right of the party’ jump in, two-footed.
5. Let’s not assume that Rishi would calm the markets. Yes, you noticed that the pound strengthened ‘on the back of’ Liz Truss’s departure. But you remain troubled by the macro-economic picture and Britain’s place in the world. Follow up with…
6. What’s going to happen to that ‘medium-term’ financial strategy? How far away is the ‘medium-term’? Here’s the beautiful part: nobody knows! Talk also about instability being ‘priced in, to an extent’.
7. The ‘prorogation crisis’ was just three years ago. How time flies! Pivot here to talk about the reported return the Boris Johnson – a ‘big beast, no matter what you think of him’. You could even quote the master bluffer himself and say that, in politics, ‘there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters’.
8. There are no ‘unity’ candidates anymore. This is what seasoned blaggers call an ‘opener’: It puts the onus on others to debate the ‘runners and riders’ and the merits of Rishi, Jeremy, Kemi, or Ben. You don’t do the horse race. No, no.
9. Joking aside, I’m concerned about the integrity of the constitution. You have a sense of humour – ça va sans dire – but let the Twitter children make jokes about lettuces outliving prime ministers. You have bigger matters on your mind. These are grave times.
10. It’s not been a great century so far for establishment parties. When in doubt, go broad abroad. Remember, you are taking about the ‘developed world’ so mention Italy, Sweden, and, er, France: (advanced bluffers can try: ‘Look at Les Republicains, or as I still call them, the UMP’).